Dignity is the opposite

Steve or Joe (can't remember which one) from Blues Clues has a song about potty training. Yes I know it is a big deal in kids and parents life; yes I know the guy probably makes more in a year than I will in my life; yes I know he is on TV and kids love him. But the fact of the matter remains that he is singing a song about crap and piss. It always reminds me of the Homey D Clown phrase "You know how you feel right now? Dignity is the opposite."

Stop deluding yourself... it's still a song about s**t

Nick Jr Educating your kids

When we first started watching Nick Jr the claims of benefits from the shows were a bit fantastical. I swear one of them read "Helps teach your children the financial formulas to fight a head to head financial battle with Goldman Sachs and their army of quants". The claims have been toned down more recently but really, I hate to break it to you Nick, that is not why we watch the shows.

Actually though I think they do that so us parents will feel less guilty about letting our kids watch cartoons.

Nick Jr. teaches your kids about allaying parents guilt with bogus claims

Toot and Puddle: Porcine Jason Bournes

How do these pigs afford to travel and live the way they do? I have only seen this in spy movies where somehow individuals are given the license to kill and small fortunes to support themselves. And seriously... will the TSA explain how 5 ounces of liquid is dangerous but talking pigs are allowed complete freedom?

And much like spy movies they never go into poor areas of the world. I mean one time a pig spent a week in India and did we see any of the poverty that Mother Teresa spent her life trying to fight? Oh hell no! Even if they are international hit-men I can only put their chances of survival at about 1% in some areas of the world... I can see the last post card from one to the other: "Hey Puds! My new friends in Samoa have invited me to a luau!" Guess who the main course would be?

Watch while listening to Moby's "Extreme Ways"

Bilingual Animals

Ni hao, Kai-lan is really annoying. Not because of anything negative. It's the animals... the bilingual animals. HEY! We're American here! Most humans here barely speak English much less two languages and our animals know just one.

Really it is sour grapes that I have not picked up a second language. I mean I can sound like a child in Spanish but that just isn't the same. Boots is way more bilingual than I am. Have these shows ever considered the guilt toll they take on us?!?

I for one welcome our new overlords

The Dora Method

Dora the Explorer shows that any major quest can be broken down into three simple steps by an anthropomorphic map and a song (possibly a backpack). Anything. Consider this:

"I'm the map, I'm the map... Frodo needs to get to Mordor to throw the ring in. Tell him: Moria, Eye of Sauron, Mount Orodruin!"
-back to Frodo and Sam-
"What did the map say? Moria, Eye of Sauron, Mount Orodruin? <singing>Come on vamanos, everybody let's go, I know that we can do it so come let's get to it! Where are we going? To throw the ring in! Where are we going? To throw the ring in! Where are we going? To throw the ring in!!"

Still skeptical? Try this one.

"I'm the map, I'm the map... Trent and Mike need to get to Las Vegas! Vegas Baby, Vegas!. Tell them: 10, 15 then Las Vegas!"

I'm telling you it works for anything... try it... and keep in mind the best protection from Evil Nickelodeon can buy.

I could have told Vader where the Rebel Base was!

Roger and the Big Wide American Dad

Recently my daughter found Peep and the Big Wide World (with narration from Joan Cusack). For some reason I love this cartoon and have even watched it on my laptop when she is not around. One of the characters, Quack the Duck sounds is eerily similar to Roger from American Dad, minus the rated PG and above dialog and actions. He is even vaguely shaped like him (Peep does not strive for anatomical correctness in its main characters). Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go and watch a video now that my daughter and wife are out of the house... and I mean Peep!

Yep... he moonlights on a kids show for PBS

Mel is a threat to national security... or not...

For the longest time I wondered when Mel from Jack's Big Music Show would strike out on a solo career when it dawned on me that the dog is much more than an amazing musician. The pup built a machine that created snow out of nothing... and with slight modifications altered it to produce sand. Technology like that in the wrong hands would be a serious threat to national security. If this were 24 Jack Bauer would make sure Mel was either on our side or dead. Anyway, I am sure DARPA could use a brilliant scientist like that.

Soon to be joining Jack Bauer's Big Music Show